As far as the philosopher king went I thought Plato’s outline left out the junk and throwaway practices that led to it. So the fifth album here is the B sides, the rejects. I took leftover lyrics and riffs and set it up to finish this journey.
The third time Jesus falls is the worst, so the worse thing I could make is about poop falling into a toilet. And it deserves to be here since I’ve spent so much time thinking on it. I’ve never played this one live.
Trying hard to concentrate
Feeling queasy on my insides
Wouldn’t it be just great
To let it all slide in strides
Imagine now the gravity
Of my personality’s depravity
Imagining how gravity
Affects my abdominal cavity
I’m sitting on the toilet
Cause I’m about to soil it
If I can control it
I’m gonna try and coil it
Why does it always have to linger
Wipe and get it on my finger
Why does it always take a stinger
To release my inner singer
I’ve been almost half an hour
Sitting on this porcelain tower
If I’m out of paper
I’ll need to take a shower
I did something dumb
Got it on my thumb
They take off Jesus clothes and expose his frail humanity, so here’s the demon that I tried to kill through this music. It was originally titled via cruz but Vincent makes more sense. Vincent from the second song ‘missing’ on the first album, David from ‘rain dance’ on the second album, Ray from ‘on a mighty pita’ in the third album. It also sounds like ‘van Sand’ the name of the fourth album. In the outline, there are 14 songs from the beginning to the first song/album title ‘hit by car’ that would be N alphabetically. From ‘hit by Car’ to the next song/album title there are 8 songs, or letter H. Then from ‘cancer’ to the next song/album title there would be 16 songs, or ‘O’ alphabetically, that would be the secret song at the end of ‘knight’, Then from ‘knight’ to the next album/song ‘vincent’ (van Sand) is 10 songs, or letter J, spelling JOHN backwards. I also say ‘john’ on the third song of each of the first three albums. Really trying to put my self into this entire work of art
My name is Vincent David Ray.
I’m a demon with a legion of heathens
out to capture easy prey.
The last man i met was Benedict Joseph Labre.
Satan called me to his lair.
He said he’d made a wager with the Savior,
that I was the best at possessing human pests,
and that’s in fact why they call me the great soul slayer.
‘Cause people to me are merely cattle.
My survival depends on their death rattle.
If the end of the ride, suicide would be his bride,
then I’ve won the battle!
I met Ben when he was just a kid.
His only goal was to do what God bid,
but under my spell he was soon expelled, and chose
to live the rest of his hell off the grid.
I’d grind his gears and torture him with all his worst fears.
People jeered, called him queer,
his stench was severe,
and for 15 years he begged to disappear.
If you think I was glad when he died, I a’int!
Crazy hermit, no one heard him faint.
What newspapers paint, thousands arrived at the site
the next night, and declared him a saint!
‘Cause Jesus went and sent Ben a vision.
He’d been given a friend, who again and again
would tempt him to sin, but to win in the end
was a ticket straight to heaven.
I’d never lost a match to date,
couldn’t let Satan seal my fate,
so pretending to surrender to my Benedictine dinner,
I attempted to infiltrate the pearly gates.
God’s ways are always mysterious.
He saw right through me, knew I was delirious.
But, if He put me to work and I didn’t go berserk,
He’d let me return, and He was serious!
My name is Vincent David Ray!
Guardian angel, with an angle to tangle,
and teach your kids to pray.
The man you should thank
is Benedict Joseph Labre!
I wrote this on a manic high during my third album insanity. Bought a mandolin I’m gonna use it, I was daydreaming about playing in a patriotic punkgrass band. I told my history teacher my first year of college my plan was to walk across the country, then major in astrophysics, then join the military, then get a job at NASA and then become the president. He said it was ambitious but I gave up on those silly dangerous dreams and wonder why anyone would ever want to be president. I think I would make a good one though, this is my empty lofty campaign speech to highlight my qualifications for the job. I messed up the end of the song because I mention assassination and the tapping on the headboard is supposed to sound like one big gun shot at the end, I forgot to do it. Oh yeah the gun shot is supposed to represent the nails hammering Jesus into his post. Boxman, from ‘So Long: Secret Coda’ off of the third album.
If I was the president,
the oval office occupant,
between lovin my wife, feedin my pets,
national debts, and daily death threats,
it’s a pretty good life workin for the government.
If I was the president,
I’d wonder where my young years went.
Leader of the executive branch,
income builds up in my pantry,
just playin’ golf on my ranch
with free secret service through retirement.
If I was the president,
I’d be sure to take each vitamin supplement.
Four years of paranoia,
four more just to annoy ya,
if I happen to employ ya,
I’d epitomize all that is decent.
If I was the president,
you could say im a real ladies gent.
I’d never lie and always smile,
wouldn’t peak through secret files,
be this country’s poster child,
and to those whom weapons I lent.
If I was the president,
I’d be the best friend to any immigrant.
Taxing the jobs supporting the slobs,
while schmoozing the snobs with caviar shish kebobs, and guarantee hypocrisy is not my intent.
If I was the president,
I’d live in a house and never pay rent.
It’s such a hassle
being the most famous asshole…
not worth the castle.
Call a press conference when i need to vent.
If I was the president,
I’ll see search and seizures without consent.
I’m astonished they’re not abolished,
their boss should be admonished…
reading the news while my shoes are polished.
catching corruption I’m on the scent.
If I was the president,
I’d never forget to read the fine print,
veto the laws with corporate flaws
including the clause
against ma’s and pa’s.
Ratify a new constitutional amendment.
If I was the president,
I’d commission construction of a national monument.
I’m so egregious
I’ll eat your impeachments…
speaking facetious.
I can’t change the world but i can leave a dent.
If I was the president,
I’ll become another maniacal miscreant.
But you know assassination
never saved a nation.
You need innovation to get a standing ovation
then I wink again so you get the hint.
If I was the president,
I’d be hell bent…
heaven sent…
The moment we’ve all been waiting for, Jesus dies/ my child is born. Arguably my best song, pit against ‘Charlie’. Mandolin, reggae, only two songs left, isn’t it exciting??
I haven’t felt gloom since becoming a groom,
but the impending doom developing in the womb
has made this waiting room resemble more of a tomb,
cause soon every step up will still be the bottom rung.
But, I love my baby,
I’m trying to watch my tongue…
The patient’s passenger prepares to deploy.
The screaming squeak toy, whether girl or a boy,
is another bundle of joy sent to search and destroy,
and bring a new meaning to being high strung.
But, I love my baby,
I’m trying watch my tongue…
Starting with a stain, from a sticky condiment,
we went back home to change, where she quickly conned my wit.
You know, no one’s to blame when the condoms split,
it’s just a disadvantage to being well hung.
But, I love my baby,
I’m trying to watch my tongue…
I’m calling a truce! When you leave the caboose:
don’t ever pull a light socket loose,
make the cord into a noose, or pretend that poison’s juice,
and I won’t call CPS for your child abuse,
and get someone else to clean up your dung.
I love you, baby.
I’m watching my tongue.
Because, as you get taller, each dollar gets smaller,
and there’s no leash and collar when you’re finally a crawler.
So please, come when I holler!
Or you’ll be fending for yourself once I’ve collapsed a lung,
shouting!
I love you baby,
and watch your tongue!
jammin’ it
We’re taking Jesus off the cross, closing up the show, these are all the one minute jams I wrote as open mic closers or transitions and fillers. When they say ‘okay 3 songs or 15 minutes’ I’d play 4 songs in 10 minutes before they’d realize then fit in one or two of these as the next performer gets ready. One more, it’s just one minute! Continuing the time theme (Jam Minute), this first video is all the songs back to back, then the rest of the vids are the individual songs. Maybe I’m cheating a little bit to fit the outline but it’s pretty brilliant. One more song to go!
I worked here waiting tables, then quit for several years and came back to be a delivery driver, I quit when we had a baby and my wife didn’t want me working so late at a job so dangerous
Angelo’s history
from New York to Italy
has secret family recipes
for dine-in or delivery.
Their bread is baked fresh everyday,
with pride their pastas prepared gourmet,
and If you can’t decide on one entree,
stop on by and try their Sunday lunch buffet
It’s pizza and pasta…
Authentic appetizers
delighting the incisors-
Just order the bruschetta!
With chicken! or with feta!
Compliment your pizza
with one of their fine wines,
then add a cappuccino
to their many dessert designs.
Get a cannoli, spumoni,
a Tiramisu, or a
cheesecake, chocolate mousse,
Gelato, or sorbet!
They’ll cater to any businesses,
big events, or birthdays, to go!
Cause addictive deliciousness
is their wish at Angelo’s
Pizza & Pasta
I sent this to the St Arnold brewery in Houston and they shared it to all their employees saying it was awesome but they didn’t use it for anything
Arnold of Metz
is as good as it gets.
Even his epithets
could cool your jets.
With his potent elixer,
social quick mixer,
emotional fixer
from a six pack or pitcher.
His water is purer
to cure any juror.
Local brewer.
Soul-rescuer.
Who? St. Arnold
When it brings us together,
we’re generally healthier,
colloquially wealthier,
lackadaisically stealthier,
so unless you’re in labor
(or clocking in later),
do yourself a favor
and savor this flavor.
Who? St. Arnold
I’ve been working for pawsh for the past six years, some of the details have had to change over time but I didn’t change the song, I could talk for days about my experience with pawsh and am doing everything I can to prevent severe burn out.
My doggy needs a day care where
he can stay and play all day,
overnight or through the holidays
however long I’ve gone away.
They’ll feed him on his regular schedule
with lots of potty breaks
and even send me daily pictures
so I can see he sleeps okay.
A place to get piece of mind for a decent rate,
Pawsh Dog House I can’t wait!
Pawsh Dog House doggone
it’s really got it going on!
If your cat or dogs hairs too long,
they’re a top notch salon.
Whatever style, just a little while
will get your puppies looking royal,
so give them a call to get that spa
treatment, they love to spoil.
Your healthy pet will say, ‘Thanks!’ to feel so great
at Pawsh Dog House, so don’t wait!
I thought this would make a good commercial with picture examples of all the words
Safe and sanitary,
whether bald or hairy,
in the military, or a very
scary sedentary dairy fairy
facing off a mercenary adversary
carrying a pair of canaries
to bury cherries in a tributary cemetery
early January. Arbitrary, just be wary,
theyre not temporary
when you get a tattoo,
or piercing, maybe that too.
People might stare at you
when you get a tattoo,
or piercing if they do that too…
People might laugh at you
when you get a tattoo.
This was for my friend’s children’s music class business he ran, my daughter and I attended when she was 3 years old to 5 years old.
Ever since your infancy
developing abilities,
from ABCs to 123s
the music’s proven true
Time and tone instills the will
with rhythm and rhyme, continues to fill
the soul and mind until it spills
to all other skills and virtues
A Minor Melody
is an educational community
focusing on families
and what music can do for you
I had this guitar part, this idea, I through it together it is what it is
Learn a new hobby
Take up karate
Work out your body
Try stand up comedy
Learn a new language
Russian or Spanish
Whatever your heritage
If you can manage
Learn a new hobby kemosabi okay
Making a movie
Romantic or spooky
All about cooking
Cartoons are groovy
Play the piano
Bass or the banjo
Wherever you’re hands go
Try and you can grow
Learn a new hobby kemosabi today
I played open mics all the time and would change the last two lines to either be about the host or the place for the open mic I was playing.
I’ve been practicing this ditty trying to write a witty song
Where could there be an audience to impress
Or test my progress or at best just to get song along
I don’t care if you’re a struggling musician
Juggling magician standup comedian or showing off your guts
You have fifteen minutes to get up here strut your stuff and go nuts
Even if youre living in a cavern or never been to a tavern
Any nights open mic if you need one! So much fun!
Mmm…
Let’s just bury it already, seal the tomb, last song on all of CRNDLSM thank goodness. It’s a live show because in the world of music rights I don’t know what I’m doing, this live set starts with the answer to the question ‘what is crndlsm?’ to count as the original song Crandall is M the song is Mmm… Then I play 5 parodies with original lyrics, then I play the secret song from ‘knight’ which starts as a cover, turns into a parody, then I butcher it completely, and lastly I close with an instrumental. This performance is truly one of my worst, it’s been a very long time since I’ve played some of these, then doing them back to back without alcohol I’m out of my element. The secret song for instance I left out a couple chunks of dialogue, oh well, that’s the live spirit. Doesn’t matter, if you’ve been following along, you already know how it ends, he’s hit by a car.
What is CRNDLSM?
One man bandallism
His own name brandallism
It’s CRNDLSM…
When life is blandallism
Wouldn’t it be grandallism
Getting out of handallism
With CRNDLSM?
Let your mind expandallism
And become a fandallism
Your entire life spandallism
Of CRNDLSM
Because you candallism..
Should I shave or let it grow (after the clash)
Should I shave or let it grow?
Should I shave or let it grow?
If I shave there will be stubble
If I don’t there will be double
I could trim it up for show
Into an upside down afro
I got an old rusty razor
I’m used to shaving in the shower
One day when I was extra furry
I was late to work and had to hurry
I never got my tetanus shot
And now my jaw is locked
Ahahahahahaha
Ahahahahahaha
Ahahahahahaha
Ahahahahahaha
Ahahahahahaha
Ahahahahahaha
‘I went to the country just the other day,
to see my cousin Bill and sorta pass the time away.
I asked him how he’d been since the last I passed his way,
he rubbed his chin and continued to say… ‘
“Well let’s see I got me a little bit of indigestion,
the fiery poops sent me into a depression.
The toilet won’t flush and the house reeks of decay,
but we’re still livin’ so everything’s okay…
The ceiling caved in when a water pipe bust,
and flooded the floors right up to my nuts.
The mildew allergies are worse than the hay,
but we’re still livin’ so everything’s okay…
I found out one night I was losing my sight
when I totaled my bike rolling through a red light.
22 fractures according to the X-ray
but we’re still livin’ so everything’s okay…
Then I lost my job for not calling in,
but that was on account of the car accident.
I mean the street still keeps my teeth on display
but we’re still livin’ so everything’s okay…
My dog ate my cat, then it ate my pet snake,
then a week’s worth of dinner including a cake,
then he got hit by a car when I let him out to pay,
but we’re still livin’ so everything’s okay…
My wife lost her mind now she worships the bees
and convinced all our kids to go live in the trees
and I haven’t seen any of them since round the month of May,
but we’re still livin’ so everything’s okay…
The powers gone out cause the bills are overdue
and I’m patching the holes with some tape and some glue,
and everything seems to be in complete disarray,
but we’re still livin’ so everythings okay…”
When he was done I didn’t know what to say,
so I went on my way cause I really couldn’t stay,
and besides there were plenty of things I had to do that day,
and after all, he said , everything’s okay…
Wendy (after van Morrison)
Every summer me and my friends would
Go to the swimming pool every summer
On the hottest day of the summer me and
My friends would go to the on the hottest day
And every summer we’d see the same lifeguard
Sitting up on her high stand so sweet looking
Every summer just rubbing lotion on her skin
Lotioning and oiling lotioning and oiling
And I couldn’t take it anymore I got up out of the pool
And I stepped to the edge of the pool
And I got her attention
I jumped in
And I’m not a strong swimmer see
I stayed at the bottom of the pool so long
I stopped counting and the lifeguard
She didn’t hesitate she knew I was gone
Too long and she jumped in after me
She pulled me up out of the pool
My friends were freaking out they didn’t know
If I was living or dying
She performed cpr
One time, two time
And when she went down that third time
I wrapped my hand around her head and
Planted a fat one on her lips so long
It felt so good, but she freaked out
She threw us out of the pool
It was the hottest summer ever
With Wendy Peffercorn
W E N D Y! W E N D Y!
Who do you love? ( After Bo diddley)
I got cargo cutoff shorts
Sharpie all over my shirts
My best is also my worst
Cause I don’t have time to rehearse
Who do you love?
I got duct tape on my guitar
Duct tape all over my car
You don’t have to go far
To see my songs are too hard
Who do you love?
Dingle Berries (after anonymous?)
Dasher dancer Prancer vixen
Comet Cupid donnor blitzen
Even Rudolph’s no exception
All reindeer have guts
If the situations hairy
Santa clause will have a merry
Christmas cleaning Dingle berries
Dangling from their butts
Dingle berries, Dingle berries
Streaking through the sky
I’m surprised this jolly guy
Doesn’t get pink eye
Dingle berries, Dingle berries
Landing on my roof
I slipped and oof! Found my proof
An imprint of a hoof
A diet of mainly candy
Isn’t very handy dandy
Santa has to understand he
Feeds them honey buns
Tracking through the freezing snow
An over bearing heavy flow
That stinks and santa says ”oh no!’
Cause they’ve all got the runs
OH Dingleberries, Dingle berries
What a funny word
It’s absurd that giant turd
Wasn’t from a bird
Dingle berries, Dingle berries
In a Christmas haze
If it sprays or if it strays
It’s happy holidays!
Knight (after trout fishing in america)
Well there’s
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18
Wheels on a big rig
And they’re rolling rolling along
Pop! I think we hit something, pull over
Okay there’s
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
1314151617 wheels on a big rig
Back it up you went too far, okay, there’s
18 17 16 15 14 13 12
11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Wheels on a big rig
Sounds like a flat.
Flat as this beer!
Are you drinking?!
I’m not drunk!
Gimme that *sip
Go check the right side of the truck. Okay there
2 4 6 8 10 12 teen teen teen teen teen teen
Jesus! Cars are moving too fast over there!
Well I’ll check the left side, there’s
1 3 5 7 9 11
13 15 17… Wheels in a big rig
Yup, just what I thought, numbers 1 4 9 and 16
All flat. You mean square?? Yup
Flat square on the ground.
Well you know to make any square a circle
You just multiply by pi!
There’s 3.141592653579 something something
That’s not funny. You’re right,
Roman numerals are funny, there’s
I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XV-
Stop that. You’re an idiot
Am not, you know the entire time I was in college
I only failed one test?
Was that the entrance exam?
Noo ha! Anatomy, we had to name all the bones
In the human body, I left the page blank
Except for the toes, I wrote bactrian and dromedary.
I don’t get it. Those are camels, cameltoe…
Well if you’re so smart how you gonna fix these tires?
Reminds me of a joke I got for you, what did
The Mexican gardener name his two children?
Jose and hose b? Nope, Jorge and victor come here
Pop fdfdfdfdfdfdfdfdfdfd
Hay uno dos tres cuatro Cinco seis
Siete ocho nueve diez
Once doce trece catorce quince dieciseis
Diecisiete dieciocho people on this big rig
Miguel! Tus hijos nos pueden ayudar!
Las llantas son Lisa’s! Miralo! Apudate!
Jeez you got half a racist sprinkler back here!
What does that mean? Oh you know
Spikspikspikspikspikchinkniganiganiganiga-
Hey! Don’t ever say that again! It’s racist
I’m not a racist you’re a racist!
You are a racist and I can prove it
*Looks around* what do you call
A black man in the oval office?
I don’t know what? You call him Mr. President
You racist! Now, where did I put that baggy?
What are you looking for?
You didn’t think it was just fruits and vegetables
On this rig did ya?
There’s 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 ounces in a pound
And I’m rolling rolling a Doob.
Ah here we go, just right
*Flick flick flick *deep inhale
*Deep exhale *deep inhale
Say man, can I hit that?
*Holding breath here ya go
*Deep inhale deep exhale
*Deep inhale *cough cough cough cough choke
Whoa, good shit.
Alright funny man do you know any blonde jokes?
I know a true story! So I was at a bar
And this blind guy walks in and he says
Anybody wanna here a blond joke?
And I can tell he’s blind so I decide to fuck with him
I say buddy, the bartenders blond,
The bouncers blond, and me and my two friends
Are six foot 300 pound professional hockey players
Also blond, do you still wanna tell that joke?
He looks in my general direction and says
Well not if I have to explain it five times!
That’s pretty good, my wife’s blond
She tried to return a scarf for being too tight.
That’s pretty funny, do you think
they’re almost done over there?
Señor señor! Las llantas son listas!
Multiplicamos todos por pi
Hicieron circulos Perfectos!
Hay tres Punto uno cuatro uno Cinco
Algo Algo Algo.
Alright everyone back on the big rig!
There’s 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 17 18 wheels on a big rig
There’s 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 wheels on a big rig!
And they’re rolling rolling along!